Attention, knitters

Remember morning announcements? Every now and then, you'd hear some new policy that came out of left field because you were focused on opening your locker (what was that combination?), making it to class on time, and hoping you'd remembered to put your homework in the right notebook. Announcements were often the first news you had that something BIG had happened in school. At my high school, such policies usually erupted thanks to the Smoking Area, an officially sanctioned outdoor space for lunchtime nicotine breaks that inevitably became a bastion of experimentation and school-skipping.

That experience created a lifelong distaste for draconian employers. I can't imagine working anywhere that comes with an inches-thick employee manual and multiple sign-on-the-dotted line forms just to do your job.

What if knitters got the policy bug?

Attention, knitters. As President of the Deliriously Happy Skeiners, I've called today's assembly to address a major issue this guild is having with late arrivals. We have a well published start time of 7:00 pm and must begin promptly in order to complete all agenda items. However, several of you have been arriving late, up to half an hour, causing distractions and missing critical content that simply cannot be made up.

Therefore, we are instituting the following policy changes:

1. The doors will be locked promptly at 7:00 pm. If you are tardy, you must go to a special "tardy table" that we will set up in the main hall outside the meeting space. We will log you in, and you will proceed directly to Knitters' Detention for the duration of the meeting.

2. You will make up the meeting you've missed by attending a special Saturday Guild Meeting. Your attendance is mandatory.

3. We will not acknowledge or accommodate those of you who have never been tardy before. We will treat everyone the same, whether you are chronically tardy to the meeting or a first-timer. We will not make exceptions for tardies due to consultations with experts or attendance in extracurricular knitting circles, so schedule those outside the Guild Meeting time.

Failure to follow this new policy will result in your expulsion from the guild.

Don't think I'd be knitting with THAT group!